You’d think that people would have had enough of silly love songs.
But I look around me and I see it isn’t so.
Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs.
And what’s wrong with that? -Paul McCartney
Sir Paul asked this question in 1976. I think we finally have an answer to his question, “What’s wrong with that?” A love song that has been pretty popular lately is so ridiculous that it has inspired me to write. I’m watching the Grammy’s right now, and it was
performed, so I suppose that validates its popularity. Crazy.
But before I talk about the song, I’d like to say that I am not one who hates silly love songs. I rather enjoy them. Sometimes to an embarrassing degree. That stupid Train song Marry Me made me well up the first couple of times I heard it. It sounds sort of Richard Marx-ish, who is a silly love-songer I used to enjoy a lot. Even if the lyrics are kinda creepy. I mean, the Train song reveals that he wants her to marry him… if he ever gets the nerve to say hello to her! He’s already marrying her and he hasn’t even met her! Stalker. Of course, Richard Marx also had some creepy songs. Hazard comes to mind. I think he killed her.
Anyway, I like love songs. But some are just bad. There have been bad love songs throughout history and, despite their badness, many have gone on to be quite popular. Do you remember that Meatloaf song? It was immensely popular when I was in high school. He would do anything for love. Ugh. They played that song endlessly! It was so bad. This
may sound mean, but if you look like Meatloaf, you would do anything for love. Even that.
.. Skewing slightly off topic, (as I often tend to do), I’m seeing the popularity of that Lady Antebellum song I Need You Now. It’s not a terrible silly love song. But I can’t help but cringe when I hear it, thinking of how many vulnerable, drunken redneck ladies are being taken advantage of and the little redneck babies that are going to be born out of wedlock thanks to the lyrics. Poor little, fatherless children of the future. All thanks to you, Lady Antebellum.
Anyway, as bad as that Meatloaf song was, there is a new one that takes the cake. I can’t imagine silly love songs can get any worse than that Bruno Mars’ hit Grenade. I didn’t even know that was the name of the song until I just looked it up. That makes me think it’s even more ridiculous. If you’re not familiar with Bruno Mars, he is a young, attractive Latino with a fantastic smile. If you put him on a motorcycle in a tight beige uniform in the 1970’s, he would be Ponch from the excellent motorcycle cop drama CHiPs (1977-1983). I guess that would make Justin Beiber the other guy in CHiPs- (I looked it up, his name was Jon). CHiPs was revolutionary. It sparked a torrent of shows featuring a light-haired male partnered with a dark-haired male who drove vehicles quickly. Dukes of Hazzard (1979-1985) with Bo and Luke. Starsky and Hutch (1975-1979) with… Starsky.. and.. Hutch. Whoah. I just noticed that Starsky and Hutch came out before CHiPs. Well, that pretty much ruins my point. Wait.. that wasn’t my point. Why am I talking about this?!
Here is a link to the Bruno Mars song. I should mention that I really enjoy Bruno Mars’ song Just The Way You Are. It reminds me of an old Joshua Kadison song I liked called Beautiful in My Eyes. Sort of the same vibe, lyrically, but the Kadison one is more about finding his lady beautiful even as she ages. It’s just nice. So.. I’m not a Bruno Mars hater. But..
Hang on. Another digression. Mick Jagger is just impossible. How does he still do it?! I completely expect his skeletal corpse to be performing when he dies. Like the Grateful Dead in that video. But with good music…. Oh my god! Barbara Streisand is singing Evergreen!!! Now THAT is a beautiful love song. Excuse me.. gotta go get my hanky. Just
beautiful. Sniff.. sniff… ahem. And now, for some reason, I am imagining Barbara Streisand and Bette Midler arguing about what love is… Babs: “Love is a soft easy chair.” Bette: “No, love is a river.” Babs: “Love is fresh morning air.” Bette: “Umm, no.. love is a razor. It’s a hunger!” Babs: “Love is a rose under the April snow.” Bette: “No! It’s… actually, yeah. It’s a flower. And you’re it’s only seed.” Then they make out. Just beautiful…… And now Rihanna has me thinking dirty things. I want to say her name. Oh na-na… So many emotions watching this. Now Lady Gaga is saying that Whitney Houston was her inspiration for her new song. Somewhere, Whitney Houston is sitting on a couch smoking crack saying, “Aaaw, that’s sweet of that girl to say.. Who’s Whitney Houston?”
Ok, where was I?.. Oh yeah.. I don’t hate Bruno Mars, but look at these lyrics:
Easy come, easy go, that’s just how you live
Oh, take, take, take it all but you never give
Should’ve known you was trouble from the first kiss
Had your eyes wide open, why were they open?
Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
‘Cause what you don’t understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I’d jump in front of a train for ya
You know I’d do anything for ya
I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won’t do the same
No, no, no, no
Now that is just some ridiculous shit. It’s made even more ridiculous by the music and the dramatic background vocalists. So goofy. “Had your eyes wide open. Why were they open?”- with a dramatic “Hooo” by the background guys. Is it really that bad that her eyes were open? It was your first kiss. Maybe she didn’t know if she could trust you. Maybe she’s afraid of the dark. Who knows? It’s not so bad. But let’s move past that. The chorus is going for a “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough, Ain’t No Valley Low Enough” vibe. Trying to get across the point that there is nothing he won’t do. But she won’t do the same.
Let’s break it down: He’d catch a grenade. Throw his hand on a blade. Jump in front of a train. And put a bullet straight through his brain. I have many problems with this. The obvious is that it comes across as sadly desperate. I mean, a young Erik Estrada shouldn’t have to work this hard for any woman! Another thing that bothers me is the arrangement of the lyrics. Logic dictates that if you’re going to present a series of dramatic acts you would perform for the unreturned love of a lady, you should arrange them in order of increasing peril. He starts off with catching a grenade… but then he says he would throw his hand on a blade. Dude, you already caught a damn grenade. Throwing your hand on a blade is no longer impressive. Hmm.. unless he’s saying that he would throw his now blown off hand down on a blade. I am now picturing Bruno Mars using his good hand to throw his grenade-dismembered hand down on a blade. Gruesome. And now he is staggering over to some train tracks, holding on to the bloody stump of his blown off hand. His foot kicks over the blade that now impales his dismembered hand on the ground. The light of an oncoming train grows larger, as Bruno Mars limps over to the tracks. His face and body are charred from the blast of the grenade that he caught for some bitch that could care less. The engineer of the train sounds the whistle as he stares wide-eyed at this staggering, one-armed, white-teethed handsome Latino with great hair staggering toward the tracks. Bruno throws himself and a disturbing thud is heard as the speeding train crushes his heart-broken body. The engineer looks at his bloody windshield in horror as he sees the disfigured Bruno sliding slowly off with his eyes wide open. Why are they open? He’s still alive! No. But yes! He has not yet proven that he would do anything for the woman that he inexplicably loves. The engineer watches as his face slides off the windshield and his body rolls onto the ground, gathering grass and mud. You might think he is a destroyed man. But he’s not
done. His bloodied, one-armed, grassy, muddy, broken body painfully slithers on the ground toward a gun. He apparently planted the gun here earlier, precisely calculating where he might slide off of the train. He slowly grabs the gun with his one hand. His hand is shaking with the effort of lifting the heavy gun to his head. He shoots himself in the brain. He lies there bleeding for several minutes. Then he stands up, walks over to the girl he loves, who happens to be watching all of this, and says, “But you won’t do the same”.. horrified, the girl runs away screaming. As she flees she yells, “That’s why my eyes were open, you psycho!”
Stupid song, huh?
Some people wanna fill the wooorld with silly blog posts.
And what’s wrong with thaaat?
I’d like to knooow.
Cause here I gooo,