There was a story on the Today Show Friday that basically asked the question, “Do women need men anymore?” This is a topic that’s been in the corner of my mind for some time, and I’d like to share my paranoid conclusions with you now. In rhyme… just kidding.
Every once in a while, something will catch my interest and make me ask the above question: “Do women need men anymore?”.. A movie about Amazon women in which men are hated and hunted… An article about genetically engineered female mice that can undergo parthogenesis… My wife raiding my toolbox and fixing something that’s been on my Honey-do list for far too long… The first time I glimpsed the vastness of options in the vibrating, cucumber-shaped plastic industry. Each time I ask the question, I get closer and closer to concluding that women, indeed, do NOT need men. A somewhat scary thought for someone like me who is only just barely a man.
During my lifetime, I have seen a fascinating evolution of the American woman. As a child, the feminist movement was still going strong. While my mother wasn’t exactly burning her bras, she definitely seemed to believe in feminist ideals and was often brazen enough to challenge anyone who would belittle or demean what a woman is capable of. The man who was Dad at the time did not seem to share those feelings and was more than brazen in his
opinions. Brazen enough to end up in jail a couple of times. My mother, thankfully, moved on. This uncomfortable example demonstrates what was a shift in American culture. Before the late 70’s-early 80’s, guys were kings of their domains. There was no jail for “brazenness”. It finally became socially unacceptable for a man to treat a woman like a lesser being. And that was a good thing. Over the last thirty years, there have been countless examples of so-and-so being “the first female to…” accomplish whatever. And women have come to achieve almost everything that men have (I haven’t researched every possibility), save for full equality in all workplaces. Aside from that ladder rung that women are still striving to reach, one major accomplishment remains… getting rid of the jerks that oppressed females since the origin of the species.
This brings me to an observation that took me a while to figure out, but I now believe makes sense, in light of the above history. Horrifically terrifying sense.
The rise of the metrosexual.
Now what in the world does one have to do with the other, you ask?.. that is, if you haven’t already given up and left this stupid post.. Well, faithful hanger-onners, I’ll let you know… aaafter the break… just kidding. I hate it when they do that. It just means you have to stop and fast forward through your tivo’ed commercials. Anyway, where was I?.. Oh yes. The metrosexual.
First, I shall define the metrosexual. Not because I think there are any of you who don’t know what one is, but because I want to prolong the anticipation of why I brought it up. I’m sure the one of you left reading this is just dying to know. The metrosexual is a male who essentially has none of the positive attributes of a man and has all of the negative attributes of a woman. Stereotypically speaking, of course. He does not have time to fix the leak, or chop the firewood, or kill the spider, or rope some cattle. He is too busy getting a manicure, or teasing his hair, or waxing his chest, or lying in a tanning capsule, or buying clothes that accentuate his fitness club physique. Basically he is a straight man stuck in a gay man’s body. Very confusing. But not nearly as confusing as why women are so attracted to them. Supposedly attracted to them, I should say. More on this in a moment.
Part of the paradigm shift can be attributed to simple evolution. This explains, in part, why the cartoonish Marlboro man I described above as the anti-metrosexual is no longer as desirable to many women. There simply is less need for that guy today. Hence the current popularity of geeks. When I was growing up, there was nothing cool whatsoever about a dude who messed around with computers. Now computers are essential to the way many of us live, and having a male around who understands them is just sensible. I don’t mean to imply that women don’t understand computers, but for those that don’t want to put that kind of effort in, there is a geek somewhere willing to pass down his genes with you.
But why metrosexuals? I know why. It’s a part of the female master plan to rid themselves of men. Just like with many things that you may want to quit, but have become very reliant on, you have to wean yourself off of it. The metrosexual is the weaning of women off of men. Women are experimenting to determine if they can live with only women.
And living with a dude who requires as much space in the closet and medicine cabinet as she does is a stepping stone towards the eventual utopian reality that women are striving to achieve. A world without men!
I envision further gradations during this female transition to penislessness. While acclimating to life with metrosexuals, they are planning their next move. If, through this experiment, they determine that they can live with only women, the next step will be to switch back to brawny men for a while. This will be in order to breed large, strong males for the next step in their plan which is to have men only perform difficult manual labor. During this phase, women will be working to perfect the various robots that will take our jobs, making us expendable. There will be the Lift-Heavy-Things model. The Squash-Creepy-Crawly-Things model. The Fix-Anything-That’s-Broken-As-Soon-As-You-Ask model. And there will even be models that do things that men never did. The Cook-You-A-Romantic-Dinner-Just-Because model. The Give-You-A-Foot-And-Back-Massage-Because-You-Had-A-Rough-Day model. The Listen-To-Your-Problems-Attentively-Without-Being-Distracted-By-Sports-Or-Scantily-Dressed-Women-On-TV model. The Understand-And-Deal-With-Your-Mood-Swings-No-Matter-How-Ridiculous-They-Get model.
The brilliant thing about this plan is that it is going to work perfectly. Men are wired to do whatever it takes to attract a woman. When dudes started noticing that guys with excessive pigment and hair goo were the ones getting more female attention, tanning salons and… hair product.. stands?.. started popping up everywhere to meet the demand. If women suddenly decided to start sleeping with clowns, dudes would be going to the club with giant shoes, goofy clothes, and huge poofy hair. This experiment, in fact, was conducted successfully by females during the 1970’s. Men can’t help themselves. And women know it. Cue the Grinch’s evil grin.
This future is coming, fellas. And for those metrosexuals out there, (you know who you are), just know that you are but a stepping stone in the ultimate plot to eradicate the more testosteroned sex from the earth. You heard it here first. From Brad I-Used-To-Frost-My-Hair-Until-I-Realized-What-Was-Happening-To-Me Golden.