Toilet Talk.. number 2

It was brought to my attention by half of the readers that I neglected to discuss something that is apparently very important in the female restroom.  Both of them mentioned the importance of the courtesy flush.  I admit that I have heard of the courtesy flush, but didn’t actually know what it was.  I had to consult my wife.  We ended up having an in-depth conversation about female toileting practices and she even found a video that sort of  demonstrated what a courtesy flush is.  I have never loved her more.  Please see the following video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BC8dL8_80YM

Aside from this being the funniest toilet scene in the history of film, it illuminates what the courtesy flush is and brings up another topic I neglected in the first post which is conversation in the bathroom.  The courtesy flush is evidently the practice of flushing before completing the act of toileting due to excessive and/or especially smelly contributions by the toileter.  This is very important in the ladies’ room.  Now, I admit that I have made the idiot mistake of accidentally using a ladies’ restroom, but I didn’t hang around long enough to pick up female etiquette practices.  Only long enough to wonder what the strange stainless steal box was hanging next to the toilet paper and then opening it to discover tampon applicators, thus realizing to my horror that I was squatting in the wrong stupid room.  But maybe the reason I didn’t know about the courtesy flush is that I learned from Ed Bundy on Married with Children that it is a proud achievement for a man to putridly fill a bowl to the point of seeking plungement.. Hmm… perhaps it was unwise to pick up man tips from John Belushi and Ed Bundy.

"I'm not going to talk to you and you're not going to talk to me, capiche?" - "Yes. Nice brief case." - "Thanks! I got it at a flea market! Nice penis." - "Thanks!.. Heeey, wait a minute!"

Now, quickly, I want to talk about bathroom conversing so that I can get back on track to talking about urinals in this post.  It is considered bad form for a man to talk to another man in the bathroom while either one is committing a waste-eliminating act.  A lot of men will consider it an act of hostility just to make eye contact with them in the restroom, let alone addressing them verbally while they’re holding their genitals.  Evidently, this is not true of women.  My wife informed me that women have an understood code that they are to converse to one another whilst in their respective stalls in order to cover up the sound of their tinkles.  I am not the only one insecure about toilet sounds, it seems.  I guess I can add that to my growing list of ways that I am like a woman… sigh.  My lady also confessed that she used to sometimes wait for someone to turn on water before letting go.  She also confessed that since she has had children, she really doesn’t care anymore who hears what and now pees freely without shame or remorse.  And I can confess that after having witnessed her giving birth to my children that I understand what she means.  No sight, sound, or smell will probably ever bother me again.  Now, on to the urinal!

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Urinals

Again, I have no logical justification for this completely uncorrelated trilogy theme.

Urinals are interesting for many reasons.  First, they come in many shapes and sizes.  They may vary in height, width, depth, and slope angle/radius.  Each of these play a factor in how you might approach and utilize the urinal.  If you’re unlucky enough to step up to a very low, narrow, shallow urinal with a small lateral radius, you will likely end up with piss spatter all over your lower legs.  If the lateral radius is larger, you may be able to angle your stream to the side and minimize spatter.  Piss spatter is annoying.  My gym has terribly shaped urinals and I often have to go and rinse off my lower legs and hold them under a blow dryer because it doesn’t have paper towels.  I wish I was kidding.

There are unwritten rules of etiquette when using a urinal.  If a urinal is occupied, you are to give a minimum one-urinal space when selecting yours, provided there are three or more to select from.  Consequently, if you are the only one in the bathroom and there are at least three urinals available, you must choose an end urinal so that any prospective pissers-by may appropriately give the one-urinal space to you.  If you are at a long trough urinal, as in an event venue or in some bars I have been in, you should give an appropriate amount of space, however, I often find that men behave differently at these receptacles.  These troughs are often full, as they are often placed in busy places, so it is difficult to observe normal etiquette.  Therefore, men will throw all etiquette out the window.  Usually Joe Swagger steps up in the line of men, obnoxiously unzips with a heavy grunt or sigh, hocks up a loogie and spits it in the trough while whipping out his business, and none-to-subtly scans the competition.  Penis insecurity is another whole topic that I’ll tackle when I discuss men…. I just wrote a sentence that included the words “I’ll tackle penis”.  I’ll try to never do that again.

Because I’m talking about urinals, I do have to touch on penis insecurity a little bit, as it is related to urinal stance….. I just wrote a sentence that included the words “I do have to touch on penis a little bit”.  This is actually true, as I have a penis, and must, on occasion, actually touch it.  But I’ll try to never write that again, either.

There are several urinal stances.  They can be broken down into two main components: hand position and pelvic/porcelin approximation.  Hand position refers to how many hands are manning the hose and what they are doing if they are free.  Pelvic/porcelin approximation refers to the proximity of the pelvis to the urinal.

We’ll start with All-Hands-On…Deck guy.  This guy is all business.  With two hands, he can unzip, pull it out, aim with accuracy, and try to hit the angle of the urinal just right to avoid spatter.  One hand is holding down the elastic from his underwear, while the other grips the stylus.  All-Hands-On-Deck guy has to be careful about his pelvic position, though.  If he bends his knees too much and tilts his pelvis inward too close to the urinal, he is likely demonstrating penis insecurity.  If no one knows, don’t tip your cards, dude.  If this guy

One man demonstrating All-Hands-On-Deck, while another man demonstrates Look-At-Other-Man's-Deck.

actually goes into a stall and pees into a bowl while standing when there is a urinal available, he may as well scream, “Yes!  I have a tiny wiener!  I hate myself and I will pee in this stall with all of the shame that is expected, considering my unfortunate circumstance!”

Any stance that involves less than two hands is usually for the sake of posturing.  This is always true if both hands are free.  There are two primary stances that involve hands-free pissing.  One is with both hands above the urinal on the wall.  I call him Under-Arrest guy.  This guy pulls all of his junk out so that his sack can hold down his elastic, puts his hands up on the wall, and proceeds to either admire himself greatly, or attempt to create the perception that he is admiring himself greatly.  This guy is an asshole.  He has little-to-no control over where his piss is going and he is certainly spattering himself, but his statement is more important than all of that.  When he is done, he undoubtedly skips the sink.  He’s too awesome to wash.  And ladies, I am sad to say that there are a whole lots of guys too cool to wash after they spray.  The other no-hands stance is the Hands-On-Hips guy.  Or the Superman stance, for short.  This guy is also an asshole, but he is a more sanitary asshole for not wanting to touch the bathroom wall.  It may be possible that Superman guy is simply attempting to avoid touching anything filthy so as to skip the hand wash for the sake of saving time.  But he’s probably just an asshole.

I have no category for this guy.

One-Hand guy is more interesting.  There are many reasons guys may assume this position.  One is simply as a modification of the posturing no-hands stance… but with more alcohol involved.  He meant to assume the Superman stance, but realized that his equilibrium was adversely affected, so he added a third point up on the wall to avoid falling into the urinal.  I call this the Rodeo stance.  This guy is easy to spot, as he is swaying and you can audibly hear his piss changing sound as it transitions from spraying in the urinal, to on the wall, to on the floor, to on his shoes.

If Rodeo Guy isn’t drunk, and if pelvic approximation is more distal, this guy could be seeking leverage to push down an erection.  Erection pee is pretty tricky.  On the toilet it’s annoying, but one can assume a position that will work, often by partially standing and tilting the pelvis anteriorly enough to allow an unkinked hose.  Erection pee at the urinal is worse.  If one simply allows the hose to be unkinked, but does not accommodate for the erected position, he will piss himself in the face, or at least hit the urinal so high that he’ll

Nor this guy.

splatter himself in the face.  Or he may piss on his neighbor’s face, depending on the unique shape of his sprayer.  Pelvic contortion is required to prevent this embarrassment.  Even with the forward trunk, anterior pelvic tilt, and one hand on the wall for leverage, success is not guaranteed.  If the hose is even a little wrong a split stream can occur, and there is no telling where split stream pee is going to go.  You could spray both of your neighbors… I just got an image of the Three Stooges facing a wall peeing with Moe in the middle spraying Larry and Curly with split stream pee.  Awesome.  Anyway, split stream pee is a problem that can be brought on by an erection, a loose hair across the nozzle, or a clog in the hose brought on by successful relations.  And you ladies think you have it rough.  That was sarcasm for those that can’t detect it from screen text.  Sometimes it’s difficult to detect without audible cues.

One-Hand-On-Hip guy is sort of tough for me to figure out, but I imagine that he’s just a pretty normal guy that likes to have one hand unaffixed in the event that he is unexpectedly attacked by ninjas.  You never know when you may be attacked by ninjas, and if you’re All-Hands-On-Deck guy, you’re not even giving yourself a fighting chance… unless you’re blessed enough to be packing a quarter staff as your “deck”…. And now I’m imagining a guy beating up ninjas with his penis.  I really do go to uncomfortably weird places sometimes…  For some reason the ninjas’ katanas simply spark when contacting

You never know when a bathroom-dwelling ninja might strike.

the.. never mind.

I’m tired of talking about stances, so I’m sorry if I missed any.  I’ll finish this post by addressing the urinal partition.  Many restrooms do not have urinal partitions in place.  That’s fine.  Some have nice tall ones.  Great.  And then there are the stupid bathrooms that have partitions, but they are only tall enough for average-and-under height guy, so the 6’ 6” captain of the basketball team can come in next to you, unzip and let his junk thud against the lip of the urinal as it creeks from the strain of trying not to tear off the wall, and he casually glances down over the partition and mockingly grins at my tight porcelin approximation with his gold tooth glinting in the air that is dense with my anxiety.  At least if there was no partition I could get a glimpse of what his urinal was fussing about.  Admiration is not gay.

I think I’ll end this discussion here.  It’s getting pretty late, evidenced by the deterioration of my editing filter.  I am looking forward to wrapping up this dumb topic in my next post which will include a grab bag of toilet-related issues I did not yet discuss.  It will probably be a shorter post, as I am getting tired of writing about this crap.  And pee..  hehe.  I feel like changing the trilogy theme to Lord of the Rings and meaninglessly implementing it into the intro.  And so I will.

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