Star Wars vs LotR Memorable Moments

Memorable Moments: Very important category.  For an epic without memorable moments is just epically boring.  Both series have many memorable moments.  Again, having grown up watching the Star Wars films a jillion times, I know that one could argue that every moment in those movies was memorable.  So I am going to attempt to pretend to possess the filter of Joe Average Fan of these series and pick memorable moments that most likely stuck with most casual observers.  When I wear this filter, I feel that LotR wins even this important category.  Allow me to list the memorable moments that come to my mind in each series, add a stupid comment about each one, and then explain why LotR wins overall.  You can click on the moment link to see it as it happened (or as close as I could find).  I love You Tube.  Oh, I should probably mention that I did not put these scenes on You Tube.  That credit goes to the many other geeks who love these movies as much as we do.. I’ll start with Star Wars.

Star Wars Memorable Moments:

Episode IV:  A New Hope

–          Obi-Wan Kenobi demonstrates the power of the lightsaber by disarming a bar thug that threatened Luke. (Thug: “He doesn’t like you.  I don’t like you either!” – Luke: “What is it?  Is it my hair?  It’s my hair isn’t it?  You know, one of the reasons I was cast for this part is my fantastic feathered hair that is very hip now!  Anyway, I’ll be careful.” – Thug: “You’ll be de-….. actually, I think it is your hair… You’ll be dead!!”)

"He's just jealous.. my hair's cool, right?"

–          During their rescue of Princess Leia on the Death Star, the gang jumps down a chute and finds themselves in a giant trash compactor. And it starts compacting. (R2D2 saves the day when he makes love to the main computer.  The original Pimpbot)

"Nope. Pole-vaulting isn't the answer."

–          Darth Vader duels and strikes down his mentor, Obi-Wan Kenobi. (Vader seemed almost confused as he boot-patted the pile of empty robes where Kenobi had been standing- while David Copperfield levitates by with a mysterious look on his face)

I am so sexy and mysterious.

–          Han Solo heroically bails out Luke during the Death Star run, allowing Luke to drop a deuce of proton torpedoes into the Death Star’s convenient explosion hole. (Like dropping deuces on womp rats on Tatooine.. er, whatever he said he did to them)

"You're all clear kid! Now drop that deuce and let's get outa here!"

Episode V:  The Empire Strikes Back

–          Han finds a delirious Luke on the frozen surface of Hoth and uses Luke’s lightsaber to slice open a Tauntaun to keep him warm within the entrails. (George Lucus wisely edited out the part where Han spoons Luke inside the Tauntaun to keep himself warm)

Ugh!.. And I thought they looked ugly.. on the outside!

–          The Empire kicks ass by storming the rebel base on Hoth with AT-AT imperial walkers. (The Empire switches to smaller AT-ST walkers on Endor in Return of the Jedi, due to their increased fuel efficiency following a steep hike in the cost of intergalactic petroleum)

It just gets more miles to the gallon.

–          Darth Vader uses the force to choke sassy and incompetent imperial officers. (Never before has a promotion been so dreaded, “You are in command now, Admiral Piett.”  Admiral Piett’s life insurance premiums skyrocket, and his wife gleefully readies a claim)

"Hmm.. I wonder what benefits come with this promotion..."

–          Luke meets Yoda at Dagobah and trains to become a Jedi. (Yoda: “He is too old to begin the training.” – Luke: “But I’ve learned so much.” – The camera pans over a few feet to where Danny Glover is sitting cross-legged – Glover: “You’re right.  I’m getting too old for this shit.” – Glover stands up and walks away shaking his head)

Danny Glover. Too old for the training.

–          As Han Solo begins his descent into the carbon-freezing chamber, Leia sweetly utters the words “I love you”… and Solo arrogantly/hilariously responds with “I know” (Han knows it’s common knowledge that when a woman tries to make a man jealous by making out with her own brother, she more than likes you)

Han strategically positions his hands for Leia's next visit before carbon-freezing.

–          After an epic lightsaber duel, Darth Vader reveals he is Luke’s daddy. (Luke: “No… No!  That’s impossible!!” – Darth: “Search your feelings, you know it to be true” – Luke: “Noooo.” – The camera pans over a few feet to where Maury Povich is dangling from an adjacent pole – Maury: “Actually, Luke, I have the paternity results right here.  Darth Vader is your father.” – Maury faces the camera. – “We’ll be back right after the break”)

"Luke... he IS your father.... What do you have to say to your dad right now?... Take your time."

Episode VI:  Return of the Jedi

–          Luke sees his sister chained and in her skivvies, fails to Jedi mind-bend Jabba, and is dropped into a pit to fight a giant, slime-drooling Rancor monster. (After failing as a Jedi killer, the Rancor next tried his hand as the slime dropper on Nickelodeon’s popular 1980’s show You Can’t Do That on Television)

Han Solo gets slimed by the Rancor. They laughed and reminisced after this Nickelodeon taping.

–          Plan C of the Han Solo rescue has our heroes visiting the Sarlacc Pit where Han inadvertently knocks Boba Fett into the mouth of the beast. (Eh, Boba Fett had tens of thousands of himself copied for the Clone Wars.  Plenty of Sarlacc treats to spare)

Boba Fett still in there digesting.

–          The Endor rebel team is somehow captured by a bunch of koala bears, but C3PO is able to convince them to help fight the imperials. (Many ingenious contraptions were utilized by the Ewoks in fighting imperial troops, but none of those were more effective than the “Wait-for-bad-guy-to-come-pick-me-up-and-cuddle-me-while-one-of-my-buddies-jumps-out-and-sticks-him-in-the-ribs-with-a-spear” move)

Han: "Hey! Point that thing somewhere else!" Luke: "Han, don't. It'll be alright. I think they're going to cook you first."

–          Luke bests his daddy in a great rematch, refuses to replace Darth as the Emperor’s new evil lackey, gets brutally electrified by said Emperor, and gets saved my one-armed daddy. (You know who didn’t find this act sentimentally redemptive?.. the entire planet of Alderaan)

Darth: "I'm good again. You saved me, my son." - Luke: "Really?! That's it?! You did, like, a lot of bad stuff! Like, really, really bad stuff!! You're good now?! Really?!?!"

–          Flying his old Millennium Falcon, Lando assists in leading the assault that destroys the new Death Star. (“Ah man!  Every time we build one of these things, those guys just come over and blow it up.  And these are really, really big!  They take, like, FOREVER to build!!  We weren’t even DONE with this one yet!  Can we just make something a little smaller next time, guys?  Please?!)

The Empire could not find an insurance company that would cover them after Return of the Jedi.

–          As the celebration roars on Endor, Luke looks over to see the specters of Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Annakin watching approvingly. (Obi-Wan: “You know, Annakin, we’re just putting on a good face for the boy, but we’re pretty uncomfortable with your presence here” – Yoda: “Agreed.  A major asshole you have been” – Annakin: “Oh come on guys!  Water under the bridge!  I mean, Obi-Wan, we go way back!  I thought you were boofing my lady and then you cut off my leg and left me by a lake of lava.  That’ll piss a dude off, ya know?!” – Obi-Wan considers: “… Word.  We’re cool.  Fist bump?” – Annakin looks at Kenobi’s fist, then cracks a smile – Annakin: “Fist bump.”)

There was a long, awkward silence when Annakin showed up.

Again, I could have included almost every scene.  I know these movies very well.  In fairness to LotR, I will only include episodes 4-6 of Star Wars.  There were memorable moments in 1-3, but I don’t care.  Most of those moments were duels (Qui-Gon & Kenobi vs Darth Maul, Yoda vs Dooku, Windu vs Palpatine, Yoda vs Palpatine, Annakin vs Kenobi).  They were awesome duels.  Enough said.

Lord of the Rings Memorable Moments:

The Fellowship of the Ring

–          Frodo dons the ring for the first time in an attempt to become invisible and escape the Nazgul, finding himself in what appears to be a spiritual plane. (The Nazgul, appearing as ghostly specters, think “Huh.  This is weird”… and then they stab him)

"Eh?! Is he imagining us naked?! Stab him!!"

–          Gandalf discovers the origin of the ring and seeks the wisdom of Saruman, who has already submitted to Sauron’s evil power, and a wicked wizard duel ensues. (Saruman uses detergent that gets whites whiter.  And thus, he was stronger than Gandalf the Grey)

In an attempt to be unpredictable, each wizard throws himself into the wall.

–          Attempting to flee the Nazgul and bring the ailing Frodo to heal at Rivendell, Arwen employs elven magic to stampede the Nazgul with a flash of river water. (After climbing out down river, Ringwraith Bob jokingly starts singing “Wiiild horses couldn’t wash me away…” – Ringwraith Stan: “Shut up, Bob”)

Arwen: "If you want him, come and maim him!" - Frodo: "Hey!" - Arwen: "Claim him!.. sorry Frodo."

–          Sequestered in a room in the mines of Moria, the Fellowship finds itself battling orcs and a huge cave troll. (Legolas scored himself a bigger share of the Lembas bread with a single arrow to Mr. Cave Troll’s ocular socket)

"Dammit, Legolas! Shoot him in the eye, quit shooting his achilles!! That's a different movie!"

–          Hastily fleeing the mines, Gandalf stands down the dreaded Balrog at the bridge to allow the rest to escape. (Gandalf: “You can not pass!” – Balrog: “What, are you gonna ask me to solve a riddle first before I can cross the bridge?” – Gandalf: “I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of..” – Balrog: “Yeah yeah, whatever.  Look, I’m quite a bit bigger than you and I am made of fire.  My sword is bigger than you.” – Gandalf: “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” – Balrog: “Riiight.. so what are you gonna do if I just step this little toe forward and.. oh SHIT!” – The Balrog suspends in air briefly, pulls out a tiny umbrella from behind its back, smiles nervously, and then shoots down to the ground, knocking up a little dust cloud when it hits)

In this analogy, Gandalf would be the Roadrunner.

–          Boromir is redeemed from his prior weakness in trying to take Frodo’s ring, by fending off countless attackers before being slain by multiple Uruk-hai arrows, after which Aragorn has an awesome battle with the main brute. (While getting his ass saved by everyone else, Frodo stupidly sneaks away and jumps in a boat to head for Mount Doom on his own.  Even stupider, Sam almost drowns himself trying to get in the boat with Frodo.  They share their first of many loving gazes)

Boromir demonstrating what true redemption looks like. You watching, Lando?

The Two Towers:

–          Frodo and Sam come across Gollum who reveals his insanity in a twisted conversation he has with himself while the others sleep. (Later he breaks into song: “I am twooo Gollums, and I’m not ashamed.  Twooo Gollums, and I love them both the same.  Let me tell you ‘bout the first.. Gollum…”)

A computer rendering of Steve Buscemi in twenty years.

–          Merry and Pippin escape their orc captors and run into the Forest of Fanghorn where they encounter an Ent named Treebeard. (While riding Treebeard, the Hobbits hear an approaching rumble and notice a giant boulder coming at them – Treebeard: “Oh, damn it” – Merry: “What is it?” – Treebeard: “Oh, it’s the Rock Biter from the NeverEnding Story.  He’s such a nuisance.” – The Rock Biter unfolds: “Nuisance?!  Maybe I’m a nuisance, but at least I didn’t steal someone’s long, drawn out, low-pitched speaking style.  Poser.” – Treebeard: “Poser?!  Why don’t you go back to your own movie?!  I oughta..” – Rock Biter: “Tale as old as time…” – Treebeard: “Are you singing the Beauty and the Beast theme now?!  Oh, I get it.  Tale as old as time, because you’re in the NeverEnding Sto… Seriously!  Can you just leave?!  And try not to roll over any of my tree buddies on your way out!” – Rock Biter: “Uptight tree.  Hey, is that limestone I see over there?  Later y’all, I’m out!”)

I'm not sure how the Rock Biter ended up in here.

–          Tracking the Hobbits into the forest, man, elf, and dwarf are surprised to come across an old friend. And Gandalf is sporting new duds. (Gandalf: “Through fire and water, from the lowest dungeon to the highest peak, I fought with the Balrog of Morgoth.  Until at last, I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside.  Darkness took me.  And I strayed out of thought and time.  When I came to, I saw a shimmering box of wood and of steel.  Within this enchanted box, I found the magic potions that gave me my new power.  Clorox with Bleach and a bottle of Friz-Ease.  Gandalf the Dingy Grey is no more.  I stand before you as Gandalf the White!”)

Gandalf's prize for smoting ruins.

–          With Gandalf leading, the band travels to and solicits the aid of Rohan, where Gandalf wins a battle for the body of King Theoden. (Gandalf: “I will draw you, Saruman, as poison is drawn from a wound!  As deep down dirt is drawn from a cloth robe.. with bleaching power!  I am Gandalf the White!  Whiter than you, Saruman!!  Three out of four consumers agree, MY ROBE IS WHITER!!”)

Theoden shows what listening to too much White Stripes music can do, as Jack White looks at Gandalf the White.

–          The people of Rohan travel and take refuge at Helm’s Deep. The tension is palpable in the night as the ragtag army of defenders await the massive army of Orcs and Urak-hai. A horn sounds. Aragorn recognizes the sound. Inspiration enters in the form of elven warriors. (My balls still tingle just thinking about that part)

My balls are tingling just looking at this picture... ok.. maybe I have a problem.

–          Mayhem at Helm’s Deep. As the new day dawns, a bright light shines like a beacon from the staff of Gandalf as he charges down the hillside with reinforcements. The race of Men still stands after the onslaught. (Before their dramatic entry into the fray, Gandalf and his reinforcements squabble on the other side of the hill: “But Gandalf, we should charge now!  Those men are dying down there!” – Gandalf: “I know how to make an entrance!  We will wait until the sun meets the crest of the earth, and then we will ride.  As we descend upon them, the sun will gloriously rise and shine into the eyes of evil while our swords strike!” – Nameless Dissenter: “But Gandalf..” – Gandalf: “Zip it.” – Dissenter: “But..” – Gandalf: “When a problem comes along, you must zip it.  Zip it good!”)

"Oooh, I bet they're so excited to see us! I can't wait.. do you think they baked us a cake?... oh, watch that rock right there, kinda loose."

–          The Ents override Isengard and destroy Saruman’s war machine. (Saruman looks on in bewilderment and laments his decision to use cheap limestone for building, as the Rock Biter rolls in and starts devouring his tower)

"Damn. I had to get cheap limestone... I wish I hadn't maxed out Sauron's expense account on that stupid crystal ball now."

Return of the King

–          Gollum’s first encounter with the ring is revealed as Smeagol murders his fishing mate for possession of ‘the precious’. (Finders keepers… or killers keepers.  That works too, I suppose)

"Choke me until I'm about to black out, then I'll put the ring on. I hear it's way more intense that way!"

–          Gollum dupes Frodo into entering a hole within which a giant Hobbit-eating spider resides. It appears to kill Frodo when it stabs him, injecting poison. (Just before the world goes dark, Frodo remembers the day the Fellowship received their Elven gifts from Lothlorien:  “And Frodo, to you we bestow this Elven Super-soaker filled with Raid insecticide.” – Frodo: “What?!  That’s wack!  When would I ever use such a thing!?  I want that cool crystal that glows in the dark!”)

Good choice, Frodo. That stupid crystal light came in super handy.

–          Denethor, the Steward of Gondor, sends his remaining son, Faramir, to his doom. (Faramir: “If I should return… think better of me, father.” – With a look of dejected sorrow, Faramir turns to the door to leave – Denethor: “Wait, Faramir” – A glint of hope touches Faramir’s face as he turns back to his father: “Yes, father?” – Denethor: “If you should survive…., could you drop by the store on your way home and pick up some milk?  Thanks.” – The glint is quickly gone and Faramir turns back to the door: “Yes, father.  I’ll get milk.”)

Faramir was unable to pick up the milk.

–          Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli enter the Paths of the Dead into Dead Mountain. Aragorn enlists the cursed souls by promising to release them from Isildur’s curse if they help. (Aragorn: “And if any cursed soul kills more than 100 Orcs, you all get a free taco at Taco Bell!”)

TACOS!!!

–          Denethor, the Steward of Gondor, receives his son’s unconscious body and has a breakdown. (Denethor: “My son is dead.  My line is ended…. And he forGOT TO BRING HOME THE DAMN MILK!!!!  Somebody bring wood and oil!  Let us burn for this lack of calcium, as our bones will merely crumble under the might of Sauron’s army!  LET US BURN!!!”)

Denethor to Pippin: "Can you sing, Master Hobbit? Come. Sing some campfire songs."

–          Legolas takes down a giant oliphant during the battle at Gondor. (First a giant cave troll, then a giant oliphant… looking up to the sky, Legolas aims true and lets his arrow fly.  A giant Star Destroyer comes crashing down in the middle of the battle field. – Gimli looks impressed, but irritated: “That still just counts as one kill!”)

No massive target is safe from Legolas' arrows.

–          With very little previous combat experience, Eowyn of Rohan sidesteps a massive Fell Beast’s strike and beheads it, then faces the Witch King. (Witch King: “No man can kill me.” – Eowyn: “Well, I’m no man, but has anyone every tried just stabbing you in the face?” – Witch King: “Well, no but- AAAAAHHHH!!!  YOU JUST STABBED ME IN THE FACE!!!  AAAAHHHH!!!  THAT REALY HURTS BADLY!!!!  AAAAAAHHHH!!!!  I AM NOT COOL ENOUGH TO FALL INTO AN EMPTY PILE OF ROBES LIKE OBI-WAN KENOBI!!!!  AAAAHHH!!!  I THINK I WILL SHRIVEL UP LIKE A SALTED SNAIL NOW!!!  AAAAAAHHHH!!!!”)

Sauron: "Ok. I have almost perfected the Nazgul. I think they only have one weakness... getting stabbed in the face by a woman. Hahaha, but that's probably not gonna happen!"

–          Aragorn’s ghost friends perform mop-up duty as they swarm over the remaining enemy, annihilating all in their path. (Following their victory, the King of the Dead addresses Aragorn: “Release us.  You gave us your word.” – Aragorn ponders briefly while the ghosts appear anxious at his hesitancy.  Aragorn yells to the ghosts: “As long as I have you all here, I ask one more thing!” – The ghosts look around at each other flummoxed: “You gave us your word!  What is it that you ask now?!” – Aragorn slowly raises his head.  It is crusted with filth and blood.  Suddenly he runs forward and slides on his knees: “LET’S DAAAAAANCE!!!!” – A catchy rock beat permeates the air.  The ghosts look at each other uncertainly.  A guitar kicks in.  One ghost starts tapping his foot.  Others follow.  As the song Footloose picks up, ghosts everywhere are dancing and throwing each other up in the air and sliding each other down between their legs.  Legolas is spinning Gimli in the air.  Hobbits are breakdancing.  Gandalf does the robot…. The record skips, as Eowyn yells: “STOOOOPP!!!!  My father just died here on this battlefield!!  Show some respect!!!” – The dancers all hang their heads in shame.  Aragorn: “My bad.  Your curse is lifted!” – The ghosts fade away as Eowyn gives Aragorn a glare.

"LET'S DANCE!!!"..Aragorn had always hoped the opportunity would arise for him to emulate this scene from Footloose.

–          Frodo finally arrives at Mount Doom with Sam’s help and struggles with Gollum for the ring. (Frodo nears the edge of a rock cliff where the fires of Mount Doom lie below.  Sam urges him to throw it in.  Frodo hesitates and takes on a strange expression.  Sam: “What are you waiting for?!  Just let it go!!” – Frodo: “No.  The Ring is mine.” – Gollum shows up and starts singing: “Don’t waste your time, because the doggone Ring is mine” – Frodo: “Now Gollum, we’re not going to fight about this, okay?” – Gollum: “Frodo, I think I told you, I’m a lover not a fighter.” – Frodo: “I’ve heard it all before, Gollum.  It told me that I’m its forever lover, you know, don’t you remember?” – Gollum: “Well, after loving me, it said it couldn’t love another.” – Frodo: “Is that what it said?” – Gollum: “Yes.  It said it.  You keep dreaming.” – Frodo: “I don’t beliiieeeve it..” – Together: “Oh, the Ring is mine, mine, mine…”)

Frodo and Gollum then start playfully wiping shaving cream on each other's faces while singing "Say Say Say"

–          Victory all around. Aragorn is king of Gondor and is brought together with his love, Arwen. He, and all of Gondor bow to the Hobbits. And I cry. (Through the hoopla of celebration, Arwen leans up and talks into Aragorn’s ear: “I know about you and that slut Eowyn.” – Aragorn’s face turns grey.  He quickly recovers: “What do you mean, my love?  My heart only has room for you.” – Arwen: “What, are you saying I’m FAT?!  You sonofabitch, I can’t believe I gave up my immortality for you!” – Aragorn: “Honey.  I was only trying to be nice.  Only trying to be nice.  I didn’t mean to turn her on..” – Arwen: “Wha..?  Are you singing a Robert Palmer song?!” – Aragorn: “I thought we were on a break, ok?!” – Arwen: “On a break?!” – Aragorn: “Yeah, you know, with Elrond getting all pissy about things, and I thought you went to the lands of Aman.  It was just one time.  It didn’t mean anything.” – A slight breeze appears to stir Arwen’s hair and her voice takes on an ethereal tone as she begins an elfish chant: “Tae os vaelor thar eirdae ailai ordolol!” – Aragorn, nervously: “Hey, what are you doing?  Stop saying that?!…… wait…. Did my penis just fall off?  NOOOOOO!!!!!”)

"Do we really have to talk about this right now?"

–          Frodo sees his friends one last time before sailing off into the horizon. And I cry. (Everyone starts weeping as they realize that their dear friend, who sacrificed everything was leaving forever.  All: “Goodbye Frodo!  We love you!  We’ll never forget you!!” – Pippin: “Wait, what is that rumbling?  Is that?….It is!” – Suddenly, the Rock Biter rolls into the scene and unfolds: “I came as fast as I could!  Look!!  It’s the Nothing!!!” – The Rock Biter, terrified, points up to the sky where a massive black Nothing approaches menacingly.  From out of nowhere, Legolas jumps into the scene, brandishing his bow.  He aims it into the sky and lets an arrow fly.  The Nothing abruptly falls from the sky onto the ground.  Legolas winks and the movie screen closes into a circle as Porky Pig announces “Ththththhtht That’s All Folks!” and Loony Toons music plays it out.)

The Nothing rolled in and was felled from the sky by Legolas' amazing marksmanship.

*   *   *   *   *

I don’t know if all of the above is entirely accurate, but it’s how I remember them.  And again, these are the scenes that I remember as important.  You may count other ones, as well.  By the way, the Arwen chant above is an actual translation I plugged into an English to Elfish translator.  It means “May your penis fall away into oblivion.”

The first thing you may notice about the compared lists is that one is much longer.  Sixteen moments in Star Wars vs twenty-four for LotR.  Granted, the LotR movies were longer, providing more opportunity for memorable moments, but that’s also part of what makes it more impressive.  Movies that long can easily have moments lost on the viewer from simple viewing fatigue.  These movies do not suffer from that.  You are kept on the edge of your seat throughout, entranced by the journey that this Fellowship and supporters have embarked upon.  The memorable moments have a much more dramatic feel to them and somehow feel more real.  This is due largely to the acting and the style of direction, but Tolkien himself would have had it no other way, I’m sure.  The emotional payoff is absolutely gratifying at the end.  Happiness and sadness wrapped into one.  I’m sure that this category isn’t going to sway anyone’s opinions.  If you prefer Star Wars, you will prefer Star Wars’ moments, and vice versa.  But Star Wars is certainly less likely to have special guest appearances by the Rock Biter from NeverEnding Story.

Next week, it gets pretty screwy when I attempt to compare characters from the movies.  I’m really not sure how to explain it.  I’m still working on that part, but will be done pretty soon, I hope.  Check back.  It promises to be fun.  Or very, very stupid.

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One Response to Star Wars vs LotR Memorable Moments

  1. bg0lden says:

    Two major flaws have been pointed out to me. My father kindly reminded me that Frodo did not first don The Ring in front of the Nazgul before being stabbed. It fell onto his finger in the tavern where they met ‘Strider’. And I later remembered that Boba Fett is not the clone template for the Stormtroopers. That would be Boba’s daddy, Jango. Oh well. Let’s just imagine that Boba took over the family business and offered himself as a new, superior template. Any other complaints, comments, or contrarian points of view are very welcome!

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