Star Wars vs LotR Deathmatch #3

Battle of Creepy-Ugly:







Jabba sits at one edge of the ring.  His disgusting, slug-like body oozes with moisture as he awaits his opponent.  He casually reaches into a large glass bowl and pulls out a huge frog-looking creature and shoves it into his mouth, licking his lips with his giant, slimy tongue.  As he finishes smacking his lips, he hears a voice singing in the distance.  The singing gets louder as Gollum approaches, “The rock and pool, is nice and cool, so juicy sweet.”  His sinewy body, rotten and decrepit, Gollum steps into the ring holding a squirming fish.  “Our only wish, to catch a fish…”  He violently smacks the fish several times on a turn buckle until it stops moving, and looks to Jabba with a disturbing grin, “So juicy sweeeeet”  He bites the head off of the fish and spits it at the Hutt.  Jabba’s eyes narrow.  “GOLLUM!”, bellows Jabba in a thunderous voice.  The decrepit old River Hobbit responds in an innocent tone, “Us?  We’re only Smeagol.”  He tears flesh from the dead fish with his teeth and mumbles his words, “We only wants to seeerve the master.”  Sensing Jabba’s distrust, Smeagol tentatively creeps toward the Hutt holding out the remainder of the fish.  He throws it in front of Jabba.  Jabba looks down.  His eyes begin to relax and he lets out a pounding laugh, “HOHOHOHO!!”  In a slurred, but oddly guttural language, Jabba yells something out and the tension dissipates from the arena, as alien musicians kick off an upbeat tune.

Jabba’s entourage emerges from the shadows.  Boba Fett coolly folds his arms and looks on.  After several songs, Smeagol’s stomach starts to growl.  He watches longingly as Jabba shovels frog after frog into his slobbery, dripping jowls.  He notices the fish still lies untouched in front of the slug.  He has a private conversation. (Longing)- “So hungry for the juicy sweet, why dids we has to throw it away?” – (Angry)- “Take it back from him.  Stupid, fat Jabba.  Take it!” – (Innocently shocked)- (gasp) “Nooo.  He’s our master.  We gaaave it to him.  We can not take it back.” – (Condescending)- “Oooh, we gaaave it to him.  That was stupid!  He wastes the juicy sweet on the floor and shoves his face with slimy frogs.  Take it!” – (Uncertainly)- “Well.. I guess if he doesn’t wants it…”  Smeagol slowly crawls toward the fish on the floor while eyeing the grotesque Hutt.  Suddenly, a shiny glint floating in the frog bowl catches his eye.  He sharply focuses his eyes in on the source of the shine and recognizes the object just as Jabba plunges his hand in and retrieves another frog.  The object is pinned to the frog as Jabba brings it to his mouth.  “MY PRECIOOUSSSSS!!!!

His face contorted in desperate fury, Gollum launches himself at Jabba just as the frog and ring are dropped in.  He attempts to catch them, but he is too late.  Seeing a nearby chain, Gollum quickly lassos it around the Hutt’s giant neck and tries to strangle him.  Jabba’s yell is cut off as he struggles for breath.  His large, slimy tongue flaps wildly, as Gollum leans back hard on the chain.  The sound of a blaster pierces the air and the chain blows apart with a bright spark.  Gollum shoots an insanely furious look at Boba Fett who is still aiming his weapon.  With a scream, Gollum leaps towards the mouth of Jabba and reaches down his throat.  He crawls up a little higher, frantically digging as deep as his arms can go.  Jabba starts to gag and reaches up to grab the wiry Gollum.  With only his legs visible now, Gollum, to his horror, realizes his mistake.  With a forceful shove, Jabba sends the rest of Gollum down his throat and swallows hard.  After several seconds of choking sounds, Jabba gasps for air, as the Gollum slides into the beast’s stomach, clearing the Hutt’s airway.  The large belly begins to distend with the struggling efforts of the swallowed, but slowly dies down as Gollum’s fate is sealed.

After several moments, the crowd has dispersed.  An approaching flapping sound grows louder as the sky darkens.  Sensing the presence of the Ring, the Witch King swoops in atop the Fell Beast and lingers above Jabba.  Jabba’s eyes grow wide and he yells, “BOSKA!!” as he punches a nearby button.  A thunderous roar from below sounds as a large trap door slides open.  Boba Fett appears and aims his blaster.  A nearby figure throws back the hood of his cloak, revealing Saruman’s face.  He lifts his scepter and Boba Fett’s blaster turns red hot.  Dropping his gun, he looks at the familiar man.  He remembers his defeat in the ring at the hands of the man’s conjured beasts.  “You!”  The Witch King lets out a piercing squeal, prompting the Fell Beast to grab Jabba in its giant claws.  Jabba yells.  As the dragon begins to lift away, Boba Fett pushes a button on his forearm and grapples a leg of the creature, flying away with them.  Saruman watches with a wry smirk.

A massive claw emerges from the opened trap door.  The remaining onlookers scream and run away terrified…

**Jabba swallows Gollum** (Star Wars 1, LotR 2)

Jabba eats

Gollum bites fish

All is good and musicians play






Jabba eats again

"I sure am hungry"

"Take it!"






"No. We gave it to Master."

"Take it!"

"Well.. maybe."






The One Ring


Jabba is strangled







Boba Fett shoots the chain

Gollum crouches and leaps at Jabba

Jabba eats again.. this time it's Gollum







The Witch King shows up

Boba Fett aims blaster

Saruman burns Boba's blaster







Jabba is carried away by Fell Beast

Boba grapples Fell Beast's leg and hangs on

A massive claw emerges from the trap door

This entry was posted in Star Wars vs Lord of the Rings, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Star Wars vs LotR Deathmatch #3

  1. bobby says:


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