Battle of Badass (and Lovely) Ladies:
Leia is ready. She has a look of authority. She looks like she is used to getting what she wants. She’s wearing a white dress and her hair is spun into a spiral braid on the back of her head. Standing across from her in the grassy meadow is Arwen. She is also wearing a white dress. Serene, yet focused, she is undaunted by the challenging gaze of her opponent. Suddenly, it starts to rain. The ladies’ white garbs begin to cling closely, as they become chilled in the rain. “What is going on?!”, yells Leia, angrily. Just then, Eowyn shows up in wet, clinging white and says, “May I join you?”.. Arwen looks up angrily at the sky, “Stop writing this crap!! We are strong, dignified women, and we will not be objectified!!”.. The earth begins to soften, as the rain continues to fall. Still approaching the other women, Eowyn slips and falls in the mud. Arwen and Leia go to offer a hand, but are pulled down into the mud by Eowyn. The pristine whites turn to filth as the three women slip about in the mud. Eowyn speaks, “I wish Aragorn was here to see this.” Arwen responds coldly, “You would say that, hussy from Rohan! I know you tried to seduce Aragorn!” Eowyn: “I am no hussy, Elf. I am Eowyn, daughter of Theoden, king of Rohan. I am a princess, girl.” Leia chimes in, “Yeah, me too. Who cares? Listen! You’re doing exactly what he wants you to do! Men are pigs! Stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking Nerf herders!!”… The two other women blink. A shadow covers the women as the Witch King flies overhead on his mount. Seeing the three angry women below, the wraith lets out a scream and spurs its mount on quickly. The beast continues on with Jabba in its claws and Boba hanging on to his grapple line. The women redirect their attention to each other.
Eowyn: “What in the world is a Nerf herder?!” Leia: “I don’t know! The point is that you don’t need to fight over a stupid man!” Arwen, again, looks to the sky and chants, “Lanta, amada! Lanta!” Leia to Eowyn: “What did she say?” Eowyn: “My elvish is a little rusty, but I think it was ‘Fall, fool. Fall.” The rain clears. The women are now wearing clean, dry clothes. Arwen has on a green riding cloak. Eowyn is dressed for battle. Leia has her weapons and her hair is now spun in to two tight buns on each side of her head. A distant scream grows gradually louder, as a figure falls from the sky. A man lands in a deep mud puddle and splashes loudly. He’s wearing only his boxers with little footballs on them. The three women look at me with pitied disgust, as I stand from the mud. Arwen: “You are the pig that was writing this?” Eowyn: “Ugh. He’s as skinny as the Gollum” Leia: “His arms and legs.. they’re as hairy as Chewbacca’s.” Arwen: “He has my father’s hairline.” The three women shake their heads, revolted.
Arwen: “What am I going to do with this.. this pathetic man?!” Eowyn: “You?! Maybe I want to do something!” Arwen directs a narrow gaze at Eowyn and says, “Of course you would. Any man I look at, you wish to take!” The two women draw their blades. I sit back down in the mud and attempt to suppress a smile. They slowly circle one another with glinting steel held in battle poses. Arwen appears confident and determined. Eowyn looks slightly uncertain, but unyielding. The tension breaks Eowyn and she lets out a yell as she swings her blade. Arwen coolly parries the swing. Arwen continues to easily thwart Eowyn’s thrusts and swipes, now wearing the mildest of mocking smirks. Arwen whistles loudly, spins from a swing, and kicks Eowyn in the face, dropping the Lady from Rohan on her butt. Arwen quickly runs over and hits me over the head with her sword handle, knocking me out cold. Arwen’s horse quickly trots up and Arwen throws me over the rump and jumps on. As Eowyn gets back to her feet, Arwen fiercely says, “You will never take a man from me!” Pulling the reigns, Arwen’s mount turns and sets off at a fast gallop. Eowyn whistles for her mount and skillfully jumps on as it runs by. Leia watches the women for a second, forms a tight lip, and starts jogging in the direction of the chase.
The horses enter a lightly wooded area with a river calmly streaming through it. Arwen spurs the horse on across the water. Shortly after, Eowyn arrives. She pulls up her horse and considers the river, warily. Arwen taunts, “If you want him, come and claim him!” Eowyn’s nervous look turns to a look of angered determination. She clicks her heals, bringing her ride into the river. Arwen chants, “Non o Chithaeglir, lasto Beth daer: Rimmo nin Briunen Dan in Ulaer!” There is a rumbling up the river. It quickly grows louder and a torrent of water is seen turning around the river bend. The river has taken the form of stampeding horses that are rapidly racing towards Eowyn. Wide-eyed, she stares at the oncoming rush. As it draws nearer, she drops her sword, closes her eyes, and assumes a look of peace as she awaits her fate. Just as the first sprays hit her face, Eowyn feels something wrap around her waist and tug hard to her left side. She is yanked off of her mount and onto the ground by Leia who has saved her with her grapple line. Eowyn stands up, “Thank you! How did you..” Leia interrupts, “Don’t thank me. I just didn’t want her to be the one to kill you.” Leia pulls up her blaster and shoots Eowyn in the abdomen. Eowyn doubles over and looks up at Leia with a shocked look on her face. Leia: “Sorry, sister. There are rules to this thing. And there’s only room for one princess around here.” Eowyn falls over dead…
Arwen watches as the water hits Eowyn and washes her away. She lost Eowyn in the crash of waves, but can see her mount floating downriver. As the river dies down, Arwen relaxes her shoulders and looks off in the direction of Rivendell. Suddenly, she hears the sound of something hitting the tree above her and turns just in time to see Princess Leia Organa’s feet, as Leia swings from her grappling hook into Arwen and roughly dismounts her. Landing on her feet, Leia looks at the fallen Elf and says, “This was supposed to be about us, remember?!” Leia fires her blaster at the feet of the horse and sends it running quickly away with me on it. Arwen gets up slowly, the look of shock on her face replaced by cool fury. “You let the pig go. I hope you are prepared to pay for that.” Leia raises an eyebrow. “You’re the one that’s going to make me pay?” Arwen answers by quickly kicking the blaster out of Leia’s hands. She stands defenseless. Arwen grins and raises her sword. Leia handspring flips back three times and reaches up to her hair. She grabs the hair buns off of her head and lets one fly. It knocks the sword out of Arwen’s hands. Leia throws the other bun while her opponent is still stunned and it catches her in the face, knocking her to the ground. Leia mocks, “You sure seem to like it down there.” Arwen jumps up and runs at the princess. With a scream, she jumps on her and the two women struggle for an advantage. Grunting with teeth bared, the ladies scratch at each other and pull each other’s hair. Leia rolls hard and throws Arwen toward the riverbed. She scrambles to her feet and runs toward the still-downed Elf. Arwen times her feet well, as Leia attempts to jump on her, flipping Leia up over her into the river. Arwen gets up and begins her familiar chant:
“Non o Chithaeglir, lasto Beth daer: Rimmo nin Briunen Dan in Ulaer!”… Water starts to churn up river. It rolls up and starts to take shape as it approaches Leia. The princess, in slow motion, pulls a pin out of her hair and lets it fall out over her shoulders. She rips off her white cloak and throws it aside. She stands in the river wearing her gold bikini from Jabba’s palace. The water approaching is a small wave of kittens. Too much of the water had already been conjured and sent down river. The little kittens splash against Leia’s back in slow motion as she smiles and shakes her wet hair from side to side. Arwen: “You see what you’ve done?! The idiot is writing again!!” The water and Leia continue to move in slow motion while Arwen stands there in normal-speed motion. Arwen rolls her eyes, and notices a collar around Leia’s neck with a chain dangling from it. Arwen picks up the chain and throws it around the exposed part of Leia’s neck. Slow-motion Leia barely seems to notice that she’s being strangled. Like Jabba, her tongue starts to stick out from the strangling.. in slow motion.. and seductively. Slow-motion, wet, bikinied Leia’s eyes roll back and she falls forward slowly into the water. Arwen releases the chain and watches the princess float away. In slow motion. She then looks to the sky angrily “You will not take my dignity! I take down my robe for only one man!!”… Arwen looks through the woods and starts walking toward Rivendell.
**Leia kills Eowyn, sells out to sexy, and Arwen strangles her** (Star Wars 3, LotR 3)