Battle of Badasses Who Frequently Bailed Out Main Hero:
Pandemonium. Han Solo finds himself in the middle of an immense battle. He came to this place looking for Leia and Lando, hearing that they had last been seen on this.. Middle Earth. Since arriving, the rumors he’s heard of their fate have been very dark. But he will not give up the search for his lover and his old friend. Somehow, he and Chewie got separated in the woods where they landed The Falcon, and Han wandered into this. Men fighting little, ugly creatures, and giant, horrifying creatures. A massive white castle-city sets a majestic backdrop in the distance. Han finds himself ducking and dodging to get through the foray at the battle for Minas Tirith at Pelennor Fields in Gondor.
Someone bumps hard into Han and stops to give him a look. Han notices the angry stare and says, “Look, sister, I don’t fight with women….”.. Han looks closer and notices the ears on the delicate-featured person. Pointed. The rumors told of Leia and Lando each meeting their dooms at the hands of pointy-eared people. The blonde figure speaks without flinching, “I am no woman. I am Legolas Greenleaf, son of Thranduil.” Legolas raises his bow towards Han and lets an arrow fly. It swooshes right by Han, killing an Orc behind him. Han looks behind himself with a look of surprise. He turns back and sees the Elf running back into the thick of the battle. “Wait!”- Han takes chase, wanting answers. Han draws his blaster and starts clearing a way through the Orcs with laser fire. He catches Legolas in time to see him facing a giant monster. The Cave Troll is slamming hapless Men and Orcs out of the way to get to the elusive Elf. Legolas jumps up on the base of a catapult, takes steady aim, and shoots an arrow directly into an eye of the beast. It wavers and falls heavily. Han is impressed, but still wants answers. “Hey!”- Too late. The Elf is already running off again, shooting arrows rapidly into the leg of a humongous elephant-like creature. The fearless Elf runs up to the Oliphant’s leg and starts climbing the arrows. Han looks on with an expression that says, “Are you kidding me?!” The Elf is climbing the leg fast. Han looks up at the nearby catapult. He begins to climb up.
Sitting in the cradle of the arm of the catapult, Han watches the Oliphant and times its approach. He reaches back and shoots the rope, sending himself flying through the air with a yell. While he’s flying through the air, he swears he sees a giant flying monster carrying Jabba the Hut. Jabba sees him in mid air and yells, “SOOOLLOOO!!!!” It sounds desperate as it fades in the distance. Distracted, still looking over at the flying Jabba with a look of confusion, he smacks into the edge of the cart carrying the riders and grasps quickly to hold on. The men look very angry and come at him with spears. He blasts both of them and climbs in. The Elf reaches the top of the Oliphant just a moment later, and is surprised to see the strangely-dressed man from before in the cart. Han: “I’m looking for two people! One is..” Legolas cuts him off, “Your friends are dead.” Han looks stunned. Legolas: “Our worlds don’t belong together. We risk madness, combining them. There are too many openings here now.” Han finds his voice, “What are you talking about?! Who killed my friends?! Where are they?!” Legolas: “I have to go.” Legolas turns to leave, but Han fires his blaster by the Elf’s ear as a warning. “You’re not going anywhere until I get some answers!” Legolas: “Do you wish to die by my hand?” Han, challenging: “Give it your best shot, kid.” Legolas slowly puts his bow on his back, indicating a wish for hand-to-hand combat. Han obliges by holstering his blaster. The cart bounces as the Oliphant continues its run. The sounds of battle fill the air.
Han comes at the slight Elf hard with his fist, but is easily evaded by Legolas, and kicked in the abdomen. Doubling over, Han lunges at the Elf’s legs and tackles him into the side of the cart. He holds the Elf against the edge of the cart, bending him back over, pushing his face, as they struggle. The cart suddenly lurches and sends the opponents crashing against the opposite side. It lurches again and sends them back toward the front of the cart. They are bounced over the edge of the cart and are standing on the neck of the beast. Han punches Legolas. Legolas staggers briefly, but then returns with a quick combo punch and a jump kick, knocking Han back into the outer edge of the cart. Legolas pulls his bow and starts shooting into the head of the Oliphant. The Oliphant roars and throws its head up, tossing Han back into the cart, while Legolas holds tight to an arrow stuck in the skull. The beast lowers its head and starts to slow down. Han peaks over the edge of the cart and watches Legolas wave goodbye as he jumps on the Olpihant’s trunk and starts to slide down. Han’s eyes widen as he feels the beast falling forward. He holds tight and is bounced about violently as the monster hits the ground hard and rolls partially on its side. Han rolls over the edge out of the cart, and grabs it tight as he dangles from the giant side-lying mount. The Oliphant is littered with arrows. Han reaches for a handhold, and begins to scale down the side of the beast.
After several moments, Han is able to see the Elf’s long golden hair in the crowd, slaying Orcs. He closes within range and takes aim with his blaster. Red light blasts from his gun and reaches Legolas. Long, golden locks fall. Legolas, feeling the heat, turns and sees his hair in a pile on the ground. He looks up at Han. He has steel in his eyes. “A red sun will rise. Your blood will spill for this.” Han looks a little nervous and quickly grabs a nearby Orc as Legolas aims his bow and fires arrows quickly. Orc bodies are riddled with the Elf’s endless arrows, as Han continues to grab them for shields, backing away from the rain of fallen-hair vengeance, blindly shooting his blaster from behind the bodies, missing badly. A Cave Troll falls dead between them, giving Han a chance to run for cover and rethink his strategy. He looks around through the scurrying madness of Orcs and Men. Too late. The Elf is peering down at him from atop the fallen Cave Troll, aiming his bow. Han shoots his blaster and misses, as the Elf ducks. Legolas aims carefully and releases. His arrow flies in slow-motion as the camera follows it straight into the barrel of Han’s blaster. Han tries to fire, and it sparks in his hand, burning it. Releasing the blaster, he shakes his hand. Legolas jumps down, kicking Han to the ground. A rumbling approaches. Legolas, crouching over Han, looks up toward the rumble and smiles.
Legolas knocks two arrows, aims down, and pins Han to the ground by both sides of his vest. Han struggles to move. He looks back and sees a giant, upside-down Oliphant stomping towards him. Legolas runs out of the way, leaving Han to be trampled. Han struggles, but doesn’t have enough time. Suddenly, a shadow partially covers the sun and the Millennium Falcon is seen approaching with the sun shining gloriously behind it. “Chewie!” The Wookie is seen in the cockpit, and he lets out a Wookie roar. Large laser blasts from the ship take down the approaching Oliphant. It falls in full stride and slides toward Han. The huge, rumbling corpse slides short of Han sending dirt over his face. Han, spitting dirt out of his mouth, is able to work his way out of his vest and get to his feet in time to see Legolas angrily aiming his bow to the sky. He lets his arrow fly and the Millennium Falcon careens off further up the battlefield, crashing into screaming combatants. Han’s face turns to ash. He looks, disbelieving for several seconds, the sounds of battle seeming to mute down as he watches the wreckage in flames. He turns to Legolas. Fury paints his face.
“Your people killed Leia. They killed Lando. Now you just killed my best friend and destroyed my ship!” Spittle flies from his mouth. “I’ll see you in hell!!” Without a weapon, Han lowers his shoulder and charges, yelling loudly “AAAAAHHHHH!!!” A group of nearby Orcs all run from the lone man, seemingly frightened. Legolas, uncertain, aims his bow, but can’t get a good shot with the Orcs in the way. The Orcs shove to get past him, and Legolas doesn’t see Han quickly arriving to his position. He pounces on the Elf. He begins pummeling him on the ground. Legolas flips Han up over his head from the ground and rolls away up onto his feet, bloodied. He reaches down to grab his bow. Strange music plays. Legolas looks up in time to see Han Solo putting a brown fedora on his head. He has a whip in his hand that he cracks down to the ground. He still looks angry. Legolas tries to quickly raise his bow, but Han anticipates and flicks his arm. The whip cracks hard against Legolas’ hands, sending the bow flying away. Legolas looks at his bow, several feet away, then looks at Han, “I am not defenseless. I am a master of blades, as well.” Legolas reaches back and pulls out twin blades from their scabbards. He demonstrates his mastery by swinging his blades about with ease. The blades cut the air and make whirling and whooshing sounds, as the Elf gracefully dances his dance. Stopping after several seconds, Legolas smiles arrogantly and awaits Han’s reaction. Han casually reaches into a holster, pulls out a six-shooter, and shoots Legolas dead….
Han, with thoughts of his lost friends freshly burning in his mind, runs to the wreckage of the Millennium Falcon…
The Dwarf named Gimli pauses from slaughtering Orcs when he sees the body of Legolas lying on the ground. He goes to the body and mourns over his lost friend…
**Han puts on a Fedora and shoots Legolas, the showoff, dead** (Star Wars 5, LotR 4)